| you really should be going |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|11:05 am] |
Yesterday, (listening to Raining Blood, it doesn't go as well as with strange little girl, but anyway) yesterday this boy told me things I didn't feel comfortable hearing. I remember those insecurities with Patrick thinking about him with girls, that was a little confusing to me. That's a symptom of our society, our culture wants to categorize you real quick, if you defy or go against this, it takes a little longer for that new unfamiliar thing to be comfortable. He sort of admitted this, in talking about other people, I just don't understand it at all. That doesn't mean it's not possible. We have nothing in this life to go on but what we hear others tell us. I've been jaded and cranky in the past, reluctant to let any one person's words mean more than a diddy I'd repeat to myself, easy to forget, easy to be replaced by the next thing.
Then, in a narcissistic way, whenever I'd come in contact with an opinion mirroring mine, that's the celebration day, one other poor soul on this earth feels things just the way my tortured heart would have, then I'd want to celebrate until the end of the day. Then the new prophet would provably slip off into the night, memories of what we'd said in common washed away under a bath of alcohol and excess calories. Why must our pleasures always be intertwined with vice?
I think he's a cool kid, a really stark contrast to the other boy in my life, and although he lacks some of the spunk, and fun Patch has, he's a more stable or sensible type. But there's a connection between him now, and the miserable little self I used to be. I found salvation in education, when this became a possibility, that whole life was a joke, it was suddenly vaporized and didn't exist anymore. I don't want it to come back. I hate those jobs, I hate that mundane nature to life, I want Tom Ford, Anna Wintour, Scott Rudin, Michael Crichton, Charlie Rose's and so many other's lives who I admire, who I desire, who I see as the only fantastically possible escapes from ending up like my parents, which is the LAST thing I want, though I love them, I don't want to be like them, I'm afraid of being like them, it's pretty much my worst nightmare. |
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| I do my best for you - ah! |
[Aug. 21st, 2008|06:48 pm] |
I want this boy today like I wanted him four years ago. I want him more. I have him less. Coincidence? I love him more than any other human living on this earth, except for my sisters and Killian, who's the FUCKING COOLEST KID on earth! Im trying to make myself feel okay with the way things are. They're the best they can be with him, from the perspective of myself, who's loved and lost and now is blessed to love him again. I know his habits don't let him turn any offers down, he had no choice in his early years, which is why I assume he still behaves as if he does not have a choice. His wantonness concerning sexual partners (of both sexes) leads me to believe there are things happening inside his mind which make him a black to my white. not that I am pure, or without damage, but it does not pronounce itself remotley similarly to his. he told me today the lemon scent makes him horny, I'll try to remember that if I am in the mood. it's nice to know there are ways he'll pretty much always be available to me, and I try to make myself forget about the ways he'll never be available. I wanted his heart, for him to feel me the way I feel him, but in my retrospect it seems I wanted him to BE me, which is outrageous! He's himself, never will ve anyone else, and if he were me, really... it'd just suck.
I don't want to screw things up with his current situation, but as I see it, the cheating he's going to do either way, no matter what, he's incapable of fidelity, but I see that, and accept it, because I lived 2 of the most unhappy years (well, I should really say 1 1/2 b/c summer 2007 & up is AWESOME!) of my life wondering constantly what he's up to, what he's into, but who he's into one can never really be sure. even him. i want him, I want to take things further, he directed my head twoards his and kissed me on Monday when we were on acid together in my bed, but my actions mirrored his the last time we tripped together, when I came on to him. I froze and didn't know what to do, and pretty much played it off like nothing happened. I love the way we are close in that it's comfortable for us to tough each other casually in a variety of ways. However, that confuses me at times, because I am unable to be sure whether he's behaving no differently than he would with any other friend, or any other gay friend, or if he's acting specifically one way twoards me. I believe the latter is least possible, as there is no indication from him whatsoever that I mean nearly as much to him as he does to me, but I am over this, and I carry my unsung love for him inside my body, and let it's torture tickle my heart but what other choice do I have? that's wny I'm in school, to figure out my options. |
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| I am a lonley painter, I live in a box of paints... |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|06:00 pm] |
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This past weekend, brought on many a contemplative thought, by way of psylisybin mushrooms, that is. I enjoyed the tasty treats in the company of one old friend, jenny, and a few new one's who were freshly engaged, the engaged's mother, and two close friends respectively. jenny had been talking up the "island" for days, and thoughts of a watery plateau surrounded by trees surrounded my mind, she said it was a place she "grew up on" which means... I'm not quite sure, but she was full of fond memories, which always enrich an activity, or environment. The boomers caught me off gurad somewhat, I don't remember the experience exactly, save for that I constantly examined the situation, the choices made by people, and eventually the subjects they reconsidered over and over. The couple booged out not long after the nighttime swim session, then jenny, me and this guy named chris (duh!) were leftover, I was awake for good surely, having devoured my sweets, then the talk from whence I banished myself for fear of having unsavory counterculture opinions commenced. I sat in silence for the most part warming my feet in the fire. I didn't have any visuals at all, and just felt a bit of a buzz. it's never been the same 2x in a row, or ever for that matter. then i thought all about (based on what the 2 of them said basically, coupled with the engagement which commenced so recently as well) expectations people have for their lives (chris began stating he didn't believe a live with wife and children was for him, an argument I sadly relate to, in that stating something is not for you usually has more to do with believing you will never have it, than not wanting it) and what they think is good or bad. I would NEVER want my life to be put twoards raising children, I see this as an enormous expendature of energy, time, emotions, and money. None of which pay you back, and one risks having the outcome be a stain on their legacy. Then I imagine things that are interrestying to me, things I live for, and I love, like science, the pursuit of knowledge, hard work in order to achieve greater and greater things, and the exhilarating rush which accompanys the mosty extreme physical exhertion to name just a few. LUST LUST LUST is another one, which I could also share with a man, I need to find a scientist type (totally would turn me the FUCK on right now) who believes in living well, takes care of his body, and mind, and wants to do great and exciting and most importatly NEW things with them. I want to race him, fuck him, listen to him, bounce ideas off him, work with him, feed him, and nurse him when he's sick. That's my dream, my ideal, my fantasy as a 22 year old gay boy living in 2008, that is my ideal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2008|11:37 am] |
he imagines people using pens and pads to write their wishes onto, and how those pens they use are the cheapest ones in the book. Whoever ordered them, some office manager or something, why'd they have to make them such shitty pens? it's not their money, they aren't paying for those shitty pens, but they're using them over and over all day long. Wouldn't someone logically want to use a comfortable and smooth pen, if it were going to be used all day?
Thinking about a boy like the one in the movie he just watched, he imagines himself in similar situations, just with Patrick, instead of some busty tanned model looking thing. Girls like that made him want to puke, at least the effect they had on men did. Maybe he was jealous, maybe he was sad to see them doing nothing more than society asked of them, and maybe that wasn't enough for him. He looked around the girls he knew, and those he didn't but even those strange unfamiliar girls, he saw the thing in them anyway. First, it was a few years ago with his best friend, she wanted inside of his pants, but thats another story. He became so fed up with this part of her, but forgot it in the following years.
The thing, is this. A female looking to, and following a male, for no other reason than simply he is a male. Females are the least of his worries though. He understands them, and has no problem with them, never has. He's hopelessly in love with Patrick, his ex lover who dosen't quite understand his feelings, and dosen't care. He's rarely sunny enough for a walk-in conversation to be sparked. After a liquor induced confessional with his sister, with whom he used to be incredibly close (their relationship deteriorated steadily as years went by, and she moved a state away, then had a baby, he dosen't see how she could have 1/2 the need for him in her life as she used to) they both felt there was something unique about the two of them, however, it is something different to both of them. To him, it was their jointed unwillingness to succumb to the world around them, and to her it was their unapproachability. Since that conversation, he's been wracking his brain for an answer to what this unapproachability stems from, as well as how to defuse it.
He wants people to feel comfortable around him, and lately he's been able to have a good time, no matter what. He's just realizing his mind is the only tool he needs, but what that all means he dosen't quite grasp 100% just yet. Sometimes just living seems like such hard work, but most of the time, (the times he likes best) he listens to his music far too loud, pounds his fist to his chest, or slaps his face or something, and dosen't care quite as heavily for things he can't change, like his ex not loving him, or his family not understanding him, although with the latter, their support is unwavering and really sweet. |
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| I'm bound and tortured |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|06:13 pm] |
if patrick dosen't mean 1/2 as much to me as i think he does, then what do I have? It's sick and depressing but without my sad clinging to this deceased lifetime, I am even emptier than I feel already.
I think about kids playing when they are young, and of adolescents enjoying their younger years. What did I do instead of being in those places enjoying those things? I sat alone and cried, I had my own little world where only I could live. I think about the sorts of childhoods so many "normal" kids have had in comparrison with my own. I had a fucking depressing childhood, adolescense, and even a chunk of the middle world I am in now still reaks of this blackness in my heart.
Feeling like this is quicksand, one small piece of me is touched, and then the rest of me cannot help but follow. It is even worse feeling sick like I do, because working out is pretty much my only solution, and that is something I do not have the energy to do. I alreay feel drained, I'm not an endless ATM machine of energy, I do have limits. |
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| from island to island |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|05:09 pm] |
this is the marriage, the old world full of being pathetic and whining and whimpering like a pussy for something to change, for a solution to be handed to me on a golden shining spotless trey.
things are much different now. this world is mine, i make it, i live in it and the childhood which rendered me helpless in the face of any opposition is disintegrating, however, not in a negative way.
I do hate Disintegration, but because of what it does, or rather what it has done, what it has felt like, to experience it... but if I really do think about things, there was never a disintegration, there was a realization, which has taken me this long to figure out. because of the knowledge of things they would and also would not teach me of in college. I learned how there is a way of handling a situation in which it does not definitively destroy your life, so that things can go on, so that life can be lived instead of suffered and so that it can be enjoyed at the same time.
My one true love is a fool. he behaves like a drunken monkey and never once questions why. he does not seem concerned with his position on this earth, and unlike any of my best friends if I tried to describe that concept to him, he would be angry at me most likely, and avoid seeing me for whatever reason.
He is perfect to me, in that I will always and forever love him. I do believe that the second I realize if I had stopped, (in the future for instance) it would be the largest turning point in my life as it is relative to time and space. As it is relative to ME it would be the ending of chapter one, and beginning of Vol. II
to leave him behind forever is at once my biggest excitement, and dread |
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| speak to me |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|05:51 pm] |
no one asks, no one will know.
if i could only tell SOMEONE that dissatisfaction is so close to home, it's living in my heart now, these people in this house that I live in.
i don't get it, the things that are important to them. i don't get the way they laugh and stare, the way they make things which are important, unimportant, and the way they dwell on the STUPIDEST shit like it was god's gift.
i don't get how they say they believe in god, but when I see them, I see nothing of the things they say are important to them, how can it mean so much if it is never in your life?
and if all that confusion weren't enough, heres something. now this is really something. I have this suspicion, this real feeling that i've got jealousy towards that baby at an unconscious level, and of course when i realize this, it's silly to me, but my dad pays so much attention to him, he never wold have to me, never did as much as i try to remember, so fuck 'em
this stuff is so specific but someone out there has to get it. even these "friends" of mine it seems like they don't understand, but I'll find 'em those i'm looking for, someone that understands |
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| deep in the cell of my heart i will feel so glad to go |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|11:15 am] |
its funny now the things i used to think about growing older, compared with what the actual experience is.
at my most depressed, i always reach back, i grope through my past, my adolescence, and before that to when i was quite young, too young to remember.
now quickly while i can, on the downside,
im thinking about patrick all the time again, which i can only assume is because johnnys rejected me 100%, and although he did too, he's a strange sort of comfort... like if i'm going to feel shitty, i'd rather have it be over pat than anyone else. or maybe feeling shitty like that because of his rejection i am so strongly reminded of pat. and i think about all the terrible things he did not only to me, but to a score of other boys (besides what we all did to him) and now he's been happy with a new mex for at least 7 months now, since i saw them together at pride. how could it have ended up like this between us?
this brings me to an old romantic place ive been trying to slaughter within myself, that is still to this day astounded that we are apart.
he's not for me, i want him more, still want him, my first love, my only love it seems.
the only love apparent. |
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| Faith |
[Nov. 23rd, 2007|11:37 am] |
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in people is so hard to have. |
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| need a Big Loan from the Girl Zone |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|10:19 am] |
It smells the same beside me as it used to when I felt the things that make me consider what I am considering… meditate on what I’m meditating on, more accurately. I’m not so much considering anything, because there’s nothing to consider. There are people (seems sometimes that it’s most people) I disagree with for whatever reason, or have been rejected by for whatever reason maybe and that’s why I don’t want a thing to do with them any longer.
I fucking hate the way things work out, and Kel told me too and I know she understands what I mean when I say there are people who come into your life and you know they’re not even remotely going to be there when it’s over so what difference does it make what we think of them, if we like them it doesn’t really matter that much. It’s nice for the time we’ll have to be near each other, but besides that there’s not much else to it.
People are all valuable equally, regardless of how they treat us.
Sounds like something I would have said a while ago, however with my newfound self-assuredness I find myself drifting away from a mindset I had considered to be crucial not too long ago. Maybe a year ago.
Spent some time a few minutes ago in the lou contemplating how much time was wasted in Wheaton. Waste which is all my own responsibility to deal with, it was because the thought of working that STUPID FUCKING JOB for a minute seemed like just what I always wanted. You work shitty jobs in high school and make no money, then when a job will give you more money and you’re still young and impressed by money like that. Now I hate it and I could care less. Its true what Heather L. told the class about how once the reward is offered the work becomes mundane and completely not enjoyable whatsoever. I was SO happy to get the job, and I believe now am even happier to have lost it.
Look at Louie for god’s sake! He was my friend, a good friend most of the time, or the best of a friend as he could be. With all the people coming in and out of his life over the years it’s a wonder he could ever even remotely care about anyone else! What a ho he was! Surprising then that we could be friends, but I think that may have been something that I liked about him, he had that completely separate and typically both “gay” and “guy” mindsets which both are strikingly similar when it comes to sex, which is that partners may come and go, and will come all the time and go all the time, and that’s great fun, greatly physically enjoyable, but that’s the best of it, besides that the rest of the details are minor.
I don’t get it. Never pretended to. If for Christ’s sake there is a way to be free of that mindset, a way I could never ever encounter it again and there was a button I could push to make it so right now so help me, even though I know it is wrong I’d push it. Then later realize what a tragedy to have wiped out such a portion of the psychological diversity we must and should be happy to live alongside.
So fuck it. Moral of the story must be that we simply “must be” meaning that what we are, we have no choice but to be, and especially what others are, what they choose to be and how they choose to live is absolutely not up to a separate individual. Unless of course you can add a significant amount of guilt and/or brainwashing persuasion in order to achieve the mentality you are aiming for. GOT ENOUGH GUILT TO START MY OWN RELIGION.
It’s never enough for us. Like the amphetamines, like I would react to coke, first the good feeling, the concept of things drastically becoming much different and all at once much happier than before.
That’s a problem. Why do I associate that shit with happiness? I’ve never felt it with a guy when it was real. Never real happiness, at least since the first time, because only then was my mind so into it. So wrapped up, completely consumed in the experience so that reality and the idea of the future as anything was not comprehendible. Every time since, even when I got back together with Patch, things were still terrible. As a favor to myself, I tried not to think about anything at all the last time with Johnny Rotten. So I don’t want a thing to do with him. He said friends can “pick up were they left off” what bullshit. Maybe some can, but I sure can’t. it’s there now, the weirdness, and worse than it would be with anyone else. I don’t know what it is. Something like… hesitation first of all, I am inhibited in that I wonder what to say all the time. My mind is full of thoughts bouncing and exposing themselves at all times, but I don’t know what to say around most people, but when I feel really comfortable around someone then I don’t give a shit and say anything. This happened in the past, when things were different.
Before I knew he was only looking for a fuck… glad now he didn’t get it from me. Keeping my cock in my pants has NEVER been a bad decision, and I have NEVER regretted it. Before I knew he was a liar who’d use bullshit instead of honesty to put himself farther away from someone. Before finally and provably worst of all, before I knew he voted for Bush… the SECOND TIME!!! The first time is bad enough, but I could forgive that, we didn’t have any idea what a bad person he was capable of being. The second time… I’m sorry but that shit’s inexcusable. |
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